My Thoughts on Pornography [video]

As an adult sex and pleasure educator and relationship coach, I’m often asked about my thoughts on the adult entertainment industry. Well, in a sense, I work in the adult entertainment industry! Alas, Pornography – Are you Pro or Con? is the subject of my latest video. See if you can follow along as I go back in forth between the pros and cons of the adult entertainment industry. [Please note: the content is not graphic and is age-restricted by me simply for the subject matter.]

Supporting Adult Sex and Pleasure Education

Sex education in America sucks. And, not in a good way. Many women, rather than embracing and celebrating their feminine sexuality, are suffering with feelings of shame and disdain because of distressing religious judgment and crappity-crap cultural conditioning. These women are then expected to enter into long-lasting relationships and marriages and react as authentic sensual beings. Shyuh, right! Not only is this an unrealistic assumption, it is a likely recipe for an unhealthy esteem, unhappy relationships, and relentless intimacy discontent. Is it any wonder the divorce rate in America is so abysmally high? 

Together we can educate and liberate women from all walks of life. Together we can help our fellow human beings overcome shame and improve and deepen their intimate connections. Let’s do this.

Join me in my mission to save sex lives!

Introducing Sex Toys to Your Lover (Video)

hot to choose a vibrator

It isn’t always easy to share our intimate desires like our eagerness to share adult pleasure products with our lovers. In this video [created for viewers 18 years old or older], I address the two main concerns women have when considering asking their partner to bring sexual products into their bedroom.

For more information about advanced sexuality and pleasure, or about choosing and using adult pleasure products, you may easily contact Micki here.

Ways to Spice up Your Sex Life, Pt. 2

Having sex with your partner within the same four walls all the time can get a bit bland, regardless of how much you enjoy one another. Adding even a little variety can make a big difference by taking simple satisfaction to a thrilling indulgence of amorous adventure with your lover. Part 1 suggested ideas to use in the bedroom. Here are a few tips to broaden your sexy scope away from home.

GETTIN’ SPICY OUT OF THE BEDROOM

Taking your love to a different locale may be just the thing needed to take you and your partner to the next level of lust. Keep in mind that the more public your public displays of affection are, the more careful and thoughtful you must be. When going really public, I recommend revisiting your earlier adolescent days of sexual exploration by engaging in good ol’ fashioned make-out sessions. In other words, keep safely on this side of second base. I do not advocate public penetrative sex and/or nudity for a very good reason. Having intercourse in front of unsuspecting strangers, even accidentally, is very likely illegal in your community. It’s true that the heartiest of exhibitionists quickly go limp at the thought of ending their date with what may well be an expensive call to their lawyer.

It’s all about location, location, location.

Get Steamy. You may have already lamentably discovered that sex in the shower can be much sexier in your fantasies than in real life. Ain’t nothin’ less sexy than slipping on the soap and bonking your partner in the … head. However, provided you take a few elementary precautions, you can take your sexy time from soggy to salacious. I suggest checking out the Sex in the Shower line of products for enjoying safer sex while gettin’ steamy with your sweetie. This is not a paid endorsement, I just really like the brand. Yeah.

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Click the pic for great positioning products.

Get Out! You don’t have to take a full-on camping trip to Yellowstone for this wonder to work; no, simply moving your love-making outdorn (as we say in The South) is sufficient for spicing things up. Just pitch a tent –ahem- in your own backyard and let your imagination and libido do the rest. If you actually have a tent, a clandestine afternoon delight may be thrilling; just be sure to consider the nosier neighbors’ line of sight, not to mention local laws. Personally, I don’t do camping, but the spice and I have happily christened both the front and backyards ’round midnight. There’s much to be said for undressing under the stars. Oh yeah.

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Sky rockets in flight.

Go for a Drive. There’s bound to be a local Lover’s Lane in your neck of the woods. If you don’t know where it is, just ask a teenager. Seriously. They’ve staked out the best places for a little back seat lovin’ and can surely point you and your fellow traveler in the right direction. Be patient and wait until after dark, but still put up the sun shade for added privacy. You don’t want your babysitter stumbling across your sexy sesh and snap-chatting the evidence of your escapade complete with caption: #RelationshipGoals to the entire world.

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Take your true love for a ride.

Eat Out. A dimly lit restaurant with a reputation for romantic dining is the perfect place to broaden your palate as well as your foreplay techniques. Again, I don’t recommend a full-on love making session at (or under) the table, but a little furtive fondling and finger lovin’ is sure to whet the appetite and rev y’all up for dessert. Of course, taking your tryst to a crowded and popular restaurant may ensure fellow diners won’t hear any moans that escape your lover’s lips while your hands explore — and if they do, they’ll likely assume you’re enjoying the food. Wherever you decide to eat out, just be sure to tip well … I promise that your server knows exactly what you two are up to, so a little discretionary funding ensures, well, discretion. I feel compelled to add that I strongly discourage trying sex in a stall. Even if you opt for the men’s room, where you’re more likely to receive an “Atta’ boy!” than a visit from the manager, it’s one of those fantasies that is way sexier, and less odorous, in your head.

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Delicious and daring.

Go for a Swim. Skinny dipping in a secluded lake or in even your own back yard gives the term water aerobics a whole new meaning. Don’t have a pool? Volunteer to house sit for friends who do. If you live in an area with nude beaches, and are feeling extra adventurous, go for it.

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Come on in, the water’s fine.

A-List Your Evening. Spend the night out like the rich and famous — say, like famous Hollywood stars, popular celebrities, or a prominent power couple would. You may even want to toss in a little role-play for fun. Yes, a little planning and a lot of saving will be required for this grand adventure, but I speak from experience and promise it’s totally worth it. After dressing up like the stunning stars that your are, rent a limo or call for a fancy Uber or Lyft to pick up you and your sweetheart and deliver y’all (and your overnight bags) to the most luxurious hotel around that the two of you’ve wanted to staycation at. Choosing one that has fine dining and/or a swanky nightclub attached is a definite plus! Check with the concierge about getting reservations for two in the most private corner of the restaurant possible (remember, you’re hiding from the paparazzi) and maybe even a “pass” for visiting the nightclub for a tango or two before retiring to your room for the rest of your erotic evening. Remember to have strawberries and champagne delivered and waiting bedside. Now, enjoy!

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This is how we do it … at least for one night.

 

If you enjoy reading tips and how tos, please sign up to follow this blog and you’ll receive notifications of new postings. For more information on spicing up your relationship, simply contact me. I look forward to hearing from you!

Ways to Spice up Your Sex Life, Pt. 1

Having sex with your partner within the same four walls all the time can get a bit bland, regardless of how much you enjoy one another. Adding even a little variety can make a big difference by taking simple satisfaction to a thrilling indulgence of amorous adventure with your lover. Here are a few tips to broaden your sexy scope.

SPICIN’ IT UP IN THE BEDROOM

Staying in for the evening doesn’t mean you and your partner have to eat take-out dinners while lounging in PJs in front of the boob tube. Unless, that’s what really floats your boat. If it isn’t, here are some ideas to get your more creative juices flowing.

Read Some Erotica Together. Read any good romantic (or racy) books lately? Share your favorite, most liberating parts — you know, the ones that are already dog-eared in that bedside paperback — with your lover. Under the pretense of “just for fun” you can open a dialogue about things you’d like to try with your sweetheart under the sheets. Does your fave novel happen to be a period piece? It may even lead to a little …

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Once upon a midnight dreary…

Role Play. Ever wondered what it would be like to be rescued by a gallant knight in shining armor or escape into the arms of a hot and handsome fire chief? There’s no time like tonight to find out. Of course, you don’t have to dress up for a performance in the Globe Theatre just to play dress up. A few simple props are likely to be hidden in the crap-catcher drawer of your kitchen or study. Grab that wooden ruler and discipline your naughty student, Headmistress. Even a potato peeler lends itself to KP duty in the ship’s galley for bad behavior, Sailor. Of course, all you really need is a pair of boxers to go toe-toe with a professional boxer. That’s really what boxer-briefs are for after all, right?

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How many rounds will you go tonight?

Strike a Pose. Speaking of role playing… how about being a professional model undressing for the sexy studmuffin behind the camera? Invite your partner to pull out their iPhone and snap a few racy pics to perk them up when they’re feeling down. Or, turn the camera on your partner and take a few to keep for yourself to browse during the wearisome wait in car line after school or on your lengthy commute home from the office. The shoot can be as innocent or as daring as the two of you agree on, providing privacy is not an issue.

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Let him keep a little evidence of your love.

Clean up Together… in the Nude. If it has to be done, it might as well lead to a little loving, no? Nude housework keeps both sets of your clothes from getting dirty and saves time on doing laundry. It will also give you and your partner something exciting to look at while you’re dusting or doing dishes. Be sure to pay extra special attention to tidying up the jiggly bits when y’all are done. You may want to save the bedroom for last.

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Soap suds are the only things you can wear.

Share Playtime with Toys. Y’know, the grown up kind that get your engine revved up and the sort that go buzz in the night. If you haven’t visited a toy store for grown ups in the past ten or fifteen years, or ever, I promise you it’s no longer the secret walk of shame your grandpa took back in the day. Gone are the dark, seedy, sticky back alley XXX sex shops of yesteryear. Since women have been moving to the forefront of the adult novelties industry, the assortment and varieties of pleasure products, as well as the venues they’re sold in, have changed — much for the better, mind you. There are so many options to choose from for both men and women now, it’s a good idea to do a little research or speak with someone knowledgeable to know what to shop for beforehand.

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Shopping together for toys fosters intimacy.

Get Silly. Laughter, it is said, is great for your overall well-being as well as your sexy time together. Tonight, before lights out, why not try a little lighthearted play — or even friendly competition and see who wins? You might try to communicate with each other completely in Pig Latin (ememberray atthay?) and see who can do it the longest. Share the raciest, sexiest jokes you know. Watch a favorite romantic comedy together. Or, have a playful pillow fight to get the adrenaline rushing.

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Winner takes all.

Get Saucy. Licking a luscious line of chocolate sauce off and up your honey’s thighs or slurping a shot of tequila from between her breasts is really hot. Just be sure to use your better judgement and a light hand. Stick to the fleshier parts of your lover’s bod, because cleanin’ Cool Whip out of your hair isn’t quite as exciting as it sounds. Still, bringing refreshments into the bedroom can make for some good, if not completely clean, fun! How many ways can you seductively peel a banana? It’s worth a try, Girlfriend! And don’t worry, if your midnight snack acts as foreplay to sexy time in the tub, it’s okay to get a lil’ messy. Sheets, blankets, and whatnot are all safely washable.

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Keep clean-up in mind.

Move Out of Your Comfort Zone. If there are any sexy ideas that you and your lover have considered playing with in the past, take action now and try them out. Consider yourselves dared. You don’t have to bring out the whips and the gimp, but head towards more daring action. Whether the two of you have teased about watching porn together¹ and acting it out or tryin’ a little bondage mixed with power play; as long as you’re both consenting and have a mutually agreed on safe word² in place, push those boundaries, you sexy couple you. Go for it! 

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Spare the rod, spoil the sub.

Share a Sexy Wish List Sometimes it can be difficult to actually give voice to your more secret sensual desires, even when you’re decidedly good at communicating your, shall we say, less sexy wants and needs with your mate. Grocery lists come to mind and they’re pretty yawn-worthy. So, why not share a sexy wish list, one in which both partners list, or check off, the spicier things they’d like to try? You can find one online and print out two copies, one for each partner. Fill them out separately before you come back together to compare notes. If the thought of laying bare all of your racy thoughts is too nerve-wracking, you may want to try the interactive sex questionnaire at Mojo Upgrade. It only reveals the fantasies that both partners would agree on. I haven’t tried this one, but a fellow sex educator I greatly admire, Kait Scalisi recommends it.

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What’s on your sexy wish list?

By no means, is this spicy advice exhaustive, but hopefully, it encourages you and yours to examine your more erotic natures. Be sure to continue reading about enjoying a little sensual refreshment outside the bedroom with Ways to Spice up Your Sex Life, Pt. 2… coming soon.


¹ This lass isn’t super keen on the adult entertainment industry as a whole. For every beauty or beau performer it liberates and indulges, it spits out hundreds of lost unhappy souls in its wake. Thankfully, taboos are falling, more women are gaining positions of power, and folks are becoming more educated, thus providing more ethical options for adult entertainment. Also, porn is not education. Porn is not realistic. Personally, I prefer reading erotica and educational books for lively ideas. You can watch my video on the subject here.

² A safe word is a word that you and your partner can say at any time to stop an undesired action.

Fantasize Your Way to More Fulfilling Sex, Part 2

sexual fantasy, polyamory fantasy, earth wind fire water

What was the subject of your last sexual fantasy? I ask because I know that you’ve had one if you’re normal.

Okay yes, “normal” is a really relative term. What I mean to convey is this: If you’re a typical human being like the majority of us functioning folks walking the planet, you’ve likely engaged in a healthy sexual fantasy or two or one hundred just like the rest of us common folks. And, that’s okay. You’re not alone. You’re in good company, and you’re doing just fine.

Normal and Healthy

You don’t need to be ashamed. Believe it or not, even our wildest, most outlandish fantasies¹ are likely common. The most significant reason most people are afraid to share their innermost private thoughts is that they fear being judged as abnormal or weird. This sort of anxiety is not conducive to fulfilling sexual interludes, so I encourage you to read on.

Engaging in intimate fantasies in order to heighten our sexual desires is very common; only, no one wants to admit to it, not even to their closest friends. Large and numerous research studies have concluded that roughly nine out of ten people engage in sexual fantasies while “daydreaming,” masturbating, and/or during sexual encounters. And when they’re frank, professionals admit they think that the “tenth” person is simply too afraid to admit to it for one reason or another because studies have found that incidences of sexual fantasies are practically universal. Almost the entire agglomeration of research about sexual fantasies is only collected because researchers guarantee complete anonymity for its subjects. Thank God for anonymity! The findings of all of this research can be very comforting to the people who find it. Knowing that when you’re fantasizing you’re engaging in common, usual behavior can help ease misplaced feelings of shame. But how many people are brave enough to search out the findings?

Topics of Fantasy

Specific fantasy differences are most often based on gender, sexual orientation, cultural conditioning, and age. However in general, the most common fantasies (for most genders and orientations) are: reliving a past exciting sexual experience (with or without their current partner), imagining sex with a current partner, and imagining sex with a different partner. The next most common fantasies involve giving or receiving oral sex, sex in a more desirable location, and relinquishing of or gaining of sexual power².  The specific subjects of our sexual fantasies are extraordinarily varied. That said, the majority of erotic themes can be tidily placed under less than a handful of labels: exploratory, intimate, impersonal, and dominance/submission and sadomasochism.

Exploratory themes are just that; they explore people or places or things never before engaged in by the person fantasizing. They may include threesomes, foursomes or moresomes. More often than not, exploratory fantasies involve situations that the person would not actually want to act on in real life.

Intimate themes involve known partners, whether past or present lovers or someone they know socially but have never been with sexually. Fantasizing about a known person other than your spouse or partner does not necessarily indicate that, given the opportunity, you would actually take it.

Impersonal themes center around sex with strangers. Most report this as relating to imagined interludes with famous people, anonymous people, group sex or orgies and voyeuristic fantasies of watching or being watched while having sex, masturbating, etc.

D/s S&M themes involve scenarios of power exchange (dominance or submission) and/or sadomasochism (giving or receiving pain for pleasure). Includes ravishment fantasies for both men and women.² The most frequently cited hypothesis for why women indulge in ravishment fantasies is that the fantasy avoids socially induced guilt—the woman does not have to admit responsibility for her sexual desires and behavior. As for men, they report indulging in ravishment fantasies as receivers as a way to escape the burdens of having to often “be in control” in daily life, and as givers as a form of exhibiting sexual prowess and power.

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Why We Should Fantasize

You’ve likely heard it said that our brain is our most important sex organ. And, it is! Aside from our skin, it is our second largest sex organ, too. So why not use it to it’s full advantage to pique our more provocative nature?

Fantasizing Outside of Coupled Sex

The advantages to using sexual fantasy apart from during sexual interludes have proven numerous:

  • Facilitate Erotic Intellegence
  • Boost self-esteem
  • Boost sex-esteem
  • Can reduce stress/anxiety
  • Augment self-exploration
  • Improve mood
  • Preserve pleasant memories
  • Allow us to safely engage in activities we are curious about and/or wouldn’t normally engage in
  • Provide outlet for healthy escape (granted it doesn’t become compulsive)
  • Allows us to consider/compare possible erotic scenarious
  • Can prepare our minds and bodies for pending sexual interludes
  • Is always readily available

And, of course, allowing your erotic and intimate fantasies to influence your sex life with your partner can be a very powerful aphrodisiac that can make the sex outside of your imagination more fulfilling and satisfying.

Fantasizing During Sex

You may have also heard it said that while women are like slow cookers in the bedroom, men are like microwaves. You’re likely nodding your head as you read, but let me throw you a curve ball. Men are not faster to climax than women. Wait, what? You read that correctly. When women masturbate, it takes them, on average, the same amount of time to orgasm as it takes men to have an orgasm during intercourse. There are numerous reasons, then, for the disparity of orgasms between men and women during penetrative sex; and while outlining them all would take another article or two altogether, I’m here to hopefully help you bridge that arousal gap via, you guess it, fantasy.

Studies have shown that women’s fantasies are extremely rich and incredibly strong. There doesn’t seem to be a consensus about whether or not this is because women tend to have more detailed and elaborate fantasies; however, according to Professor Beverly Whipple, some women are capable of having an orgasm from their fantasies alone — that is, without touching themselves. Delicious.

So, what is the benefit of fantasizing during sex? Women live inside their heads. If your grocery list or to-do list tends to pop into your head when you’re having intercourse, it can be helpful to think about a proven stimulating fantasy in your mind to get your mind back on the love making at hand. Of course, being fully engaged in the actual love making is even better! But, thinking about the dirty dishes in the kitchen sink is not conducive to arousal! Placing yourself are your lover on a beautiful tropical island beach inside your head may improve your libido.

I strongly recommend that when you do choose to play around with fantasy, you get in the habit of always making your fantasy lover your real time lover…

Sharing Our Fantasies

The sharing of your fantasies is a delicate topic, one that can have both arousing benefits and lousy drawbacks. Which ones should we share? The ones we’ve explored or evaluated enough to know that we’d actually like to bring them from our fantasy world into our real world with our partner. Obviously, some fantasies are better left unshared, especially if that fantasy involves an ex-lover. Do not share those fantasies with your partner. The effects on your relationship could be devastating. In fact, I strongly recommend that when you do choose to play around with fantasy, you get in the habit of always making your fantasy lover your real time lover because there are proven benefits to fantasizing about our real life partners in and out of the bedroom.

According to three recent studies, fantasizing about your spouse or significant other actually changes your relationship perception and may even alter your behavior — influencing you to be kinder to your lover. These types of fantasies can even strengthen your relationship by strengthening your commitment and bond with them.

Sharing your fantasies with your lover can be incredibly arousing for you; just make sure you are prepared to discover that your lover may not be so keen on certain ideas. If they aren’t, that’s okay. Here is your opening to discussing other fantastic things the two of you would like to explore together. Enjoy!

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¹ For the purpose of clarity, I discuss actual erotic fantasy that is being actively imagined and not unbidden thoughts of a sexual nature that bubble to the surface. for example, when you see an attractive person.

² Because the majority of my readership is female, and because the word “rape” carries extreme emotional weight and can be a trigger for many women, I prefer to use the word “ravishment” which, while having the same literal meaning, can more readily denote power, dominance, or coercion without threat of physical or emotional violence or abuse. It is extremely important to note that women who engage in ravishment fantasies do not want to be criminally violated or harmed, as evidenced by the fact that these women are ravished by the person that they desire and are very rarely physically or emotionally injured in the fantasy. It is also important to note that the women creating these fantasies are by definition consenting and are in complete control of the scenario [of who, what, when, where, why, and the duration] which is not the case for criminal, injurious sex. Non-consensual sex is a crime.

 


Links to articles used in researching this topic:

What men and women fantasize about has more in common than you think by Jessica Orwig and Mike Nudelman/ Business Insider article based on research by Christian C. Joyal et al. found here in an article published by The Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Sexual Fantasies: What are Their Hidden Meanings? by Daniel Goleman

9 Reasons Sex Fantasies Are Good For You by  Wendy Maltz, Suzie Boss

The Power of Fantasy in Relationships by Elizabeth Berstein

Sexual Fantasies: A Way of Having Sex with Everyone by Fredric Neuman M.D.

Having Fantasies About Someone You’re Not Married To? The Pros and Cons of Sexual Fantasies in Relationships by Sheri Stritof

Sex Fantasies are Good for your Relationship, But Only if You’re Fantasizing About Your Partner by Kristine Fellizar

For books used in researching fantasy, see Resources.

Fantasize Your Way to More Fulfilling Sex, Part 1

Engaging in sexual fantasy to heighten our sexual desires is a good thing. But, I know, there are some readers who would disagree with me for a variety of reasons, and this is why this article will be a tad lengthy, hence in more than one part. As a practicing Christian, I know from experience that this topic is a hotbed of controversy for my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, so I’d like to address their concerns first. And then, we can get to the fun stuff of fantasy.

Fantasies come from our imagination and imagination is a God-given gift. It is part and parcel of who we are as human beings. Fantasies by definition are imaginary, make-believe, about scenarios that are, if not completely impossible, at least improbable. Fantasies are, in and of themselves, morally neutral. What becomes of our fantasies is up to us. We are not always responsible for our thoughts. We are, however, responsible for our actions. That said, are we in Mister Roger’s “Neighborhood of Make-Believe” or are we on Mr. Rourke’s Fantasy Island?

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Things didn’t always go as planned on Fantasy Island.

Christians and Fantasizing

YES! We Christians are allowed to fantasize and I’m happy to tell you why. There is no edict in Sacred Scripture that forbids desire or fantasy. Did you get that? It’s important. There is no edict in Sacred Scripture that forbids desire or fantasy. No, not one.

The scripture that you’ve likely had drummed into your head since you were pre-pubescent to shame you away from healthy sexual desire and fantasy is Matthew 5:27. “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that every man who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Often, pastors and priests use this verse to warn against adultery — and rightly so. Infidelity is bad whether you’re a Christian or not. But, some people interpret this verse as meaning Christians aren’t allowed to even think sexually about someone they are attracted to. Yikes. All too often Church teachings are interpreted to equate sexual thoughts with actual sexual sin. And this idea, my friends, is wrong and incredibly harmful to the mental health of too many Christian men and women.

The problem with that translation of Matthew 5:27 is that the word translated as “lust” in this passage is the same word used for “covet” in The Ten Commandments. “[Y]ou will not covet your neighbor’s wife” (Exodus 20:17). Coveting is so serious a sin because it is wanting something that already lawfully belongs to someone else. It is not wanting something like what another has; it is wanting the exact thing. Imagine reading the tenth commandment as “Do not lust after your neighbor’s house; nor lust after his wife, nor his servant or maid, nor lust after his ox, nor his donkey.”  Should we really equate the word “covet” for “think about sexually” here? No.¹ There is a difference between natural sexual desire and coveting (wanting to possess what belongs to another as your own).

I could discuss poor theology and really crappy translations all day, but one only need contemplate the fact that there are literally tens of thousands of different denominations all under the same Christian umbrella to know that poor theology and really crappy translations exist. Besides that, it’s not my intent to prove how wonky centuries’ old translations of Hebrew, Greek, and Aramaic are. My intention is to tell you, quite truthfully, that Christ Himself never condemned being “horny” — through arousal, desires, fantasies, or otherwise. In fact, even a cursory glance at First Corinthians, chapter seven, proves that Saint Paul assumes we’re going to be sexually aroused and desire others. Of course we are! It’s how God designed us. As sexual beings. And while we’re discussing chapter seven, it’s interesting to note that Saint Paul admits in verse 25 that “Now concerning virgins: I have no commandment from the Lord.” Mull that one over for a minute or ten.

Christians and Masturbation

I bring up masturbation here is because it is usually accompanied by desirous thoughts or fantasies. Masturbation, or stimulation of one’s own genitals for sexual pleasure often, though certainly not always, to the point of climax, is a perfectly normal and natural act. However, another tradition that is taught, but not once mentioned in Sacred Scripture is that of masturbation as sin.  Early church fathers used the story of Onan in Genesis 38 to preach against believers using coitus interruptus [the “withdrawal method” of birth control] in particular, and masturbation in general. According to the church, every sperm possible — because the church had no control over what happened with nocturnal emissions of sperm — was to be implanted into the wife’s womb. Keeping in mind that the mission of the early church was to encourage its members to “go forth and multiply,” it makes sense that they thought this was a really great scripture to use to scare the hell out of people from wanting to limit their family size via contraception.

So, the early church preached against what it called the “Sin of Onan” — and many Western churches still do, although they do not all agree on exactly what that sin is. The Catholic Church still preaches today against onanism which is, in the strictest sense, contraception, as well as against masturbation to climax. When Protestant denominations started branching out, they too continued preaching against the “Sin of Onan” as against contraception and masturbation. It wasn’t until Protestant denominations determined that contraception was no longer sinful (circa 1930), that they dropped the contraceptive concept of onanism to be an edict against masturbation alone. Because sperm was no longer sacred, masturbation as a “selfish act of lust” became the focus of the sin; but as you will see, these views are slowly but finally changing, too.

Careful reading of the story in Genesis 38 shows that the God killed Onan because he refused to follow Mosaic law for levirate marriage and give his dead, older brother’s wife an heir because he was selfish and wanted to be the firstborn heir to Judah’s fortune. In verse 9, Onan withdrew his penis from (his sister-in-law) Tamra’s vagina before ejaculation and the “spilling [of] his seed lest he give his brother an heir” occurred. In verse 10, “the thing which he did displeased the Lord” and his subsequent punishment for sinning (i.e., God slew him) was not because he chose masturbation, nor was it likely for employing the withdrawal method; his sin was more likely in disobedience to his father’s command, for not following Mosaic law, or it was due to his inordinate and unlawful greed.²

As I’ve noted, some Western churches, especially those of Evangelical origin, still preach against masturbation; but due to the abundance of scientific and medical evidence that masturbation is a medically healthy and psychologically normal act, more churches are electing to forgo the topic of masturbation altogether. Dr. James Dobson, founder of “Focus on the Family,” has even gone on record contending, “The Bible says nothing about masturbation, so we don’t really know what God thinks about it. My opinion is that He doesn’t make a big issue of it… So I would encourage you not to struggle with guilt.”³ Wow and yay! I hope this helps those of you who are struggling with shame concerning masturbation to understand that you are not alone in your struggle. Sexual self-exploration is healthy and normal and is not immoral. You are okay.

Continued


 

¹ For further in-depth reading, please see theologian Jason Staple’s finely detailed article “Whoever Looks at a Woman With Lust”: Misinterpreted Bible Passages #1

² Read Genesis 38 in its entirety for a better understanding of the context of the story.

³ Dobson, James C. (2000). Preparing for Adolescence: Growth Guide. Delight, AR: Gospel Light.

* Compulsive masturbation, like other compulsive behaviors, can be signs of an emotional problem, which may need to be addressed by a mental health specialist. There is no shame in seeking help from a professional. 

You’re Not a Freak.

Are you ever worried that your most secret thoughts and fantasies aren’t normal? Let me tell you a little secret, Girlfriends. Working in an adult toy boutique has taught me more about human sexuality than most of the articles and books I’ve read over the past thirty-odd years on the subject; and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it is that there is no such thing as “normal” when it comes to libidos. If “normal” libido equals “the average” libido, I still haven’t found one. The variety of desires and expectations are practically limitless. I’ve witnessed a gaggle of giggly school teachers make a beeline for the BDSM wall at work … and not leave empty-handed. I’ve seen a tatted-up biker actually blush at the sight of a realistic vibrator.

If “a normal” libido equals “the average” libido, I still haven’t found one. 

Please trust me on this one. I’ve discussed sex with people of all adult life stages, races, religions, genders, orientations, occupations, identities, and proclivities. And while quite a few of the men, women, and couples that I meet are already educated about the products and gizmos they want (thank you, Google), the majority are overwhelmed by all of their choices and earnestly want to be more informed about the specifics of toy options, lubrication options, sexual positions, arousal enhancements, erotic massage, which how-to books are most informative, and on and on the list goes.

I’ve discussed sex with people of all adult life stages, races, religions, genders, orientations, occupations, identities, and proclivities.

When I was only fifteen years old, I was desperately struggling with guilt and anxiety about my own level of sexual awareness. Especially as a girl. Especially as a not-grown-up girl. I was terribly afraid of being labeled as a weirdo, or even worse, as a sex freak. I was even more desperate to know that these labels wouldn’t turn out to be true. That’s a truly terrifying place to be.

Thanks be to God, the first truly informative literature on sexuality that I was able to slyly get my hands on was my own mother’s copy of Nancy Friday’s  My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies. It was a compilation filled with the thoughts and fantasies of a vast array of women, both young and old, presented with neither shame nor blame.

When I was only fifteen years old  … I was awfully afraid of being labeled as a weirdo, or even worse, as a sex freak. I was even more desperate to know that these labels wouldn’t turn out to be true. That’s a truly terrifying place to be.

The fantasies therein ranged from innocuous Earth Mother scenarios (well, these fantasies were collected in the late sixties and early seventies after all) to stories of seduction with a zoo as its backdrop — which I recall completely threw me for a loop as it conjured in my mind’s eye the dank and curious smells of our local zoo’s claustrophobic snake house. This perplexity notwithstanding, reading about this plethora from regular ol’ Janes given without shame or blame made me realize that my thoughts weren’t any more fanciful or all that different from lots of other women’s sexual thoughts. What a relief! It would not be hyperbolic to declare that this groundbreaking compilation rescued my emotional well-being.

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You’re not a freak. But if you wanna be, Girl, let it fly!

Happily years later, I no longer struggle with guilt or anxiety about my sexual awareness. Well actually, I pretty much no longer struggle with guilt or anxiety about sexual anything. As a natural extrovert inclined to wear my heart on my sleeve, I’ve not taken this journey alone. I’ve consulted with friends, professionals, pastors, and priests whom I’ve admired and trusted. I’ve learned to fully embrace my female sexuality and grown to love my body and the God-given pleasure it brings me and my beloved spice …  in all of its wonder and freakishness. Because as they say, knowledge is power. 

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If sex for you is complicated by feelings of guilt or anxiety, please do not struggle alone. I encourage you to reach out to your most trusted friend and test the waters about sharing your concerns with them. If you’ve no one to confide in, please consider contacting an objective, professional personal confidante or an adult sexuality and pleasure educator such as myself to speak with. All sessions are completely confidential and a Confidentiality Agreement is available upon request.